12-02-24 :: the burnout is real
i dont really know why but suddenly ive been more burnt out than usual. im tired and cranky...it could be the seasonal depression i guess but i really dont know. i worked so hard making this site but now that its "finished" im very unmotivated to push any further. which is silly...theres always more i could add.
ive just been burnt out in general too though. with friends, family, work. i dont want to talk to anyone. i have no motivation to talk to my friends. its difficult to be around my family but i have slightly more "i have to" energy when it comes to them. lately my sister has been asking me to play dandy's world with her. talk about dbd clone for children TT its fine. i'd rather play that than any other stupid roblox game i guess.
ok...so let's talk about "not feeling well". i think it's ok to not be okay. but it's still frustrating. winter...especially around xmas has always been very difficult for me. this time of year meant coming home and spending time with family. very very stressful. not as much now because things have changed which i wont discuss in great detail. but i can say that its better than it used to be. living at home doesnt make me want to fill my ears with wax and hide in my room cause hearing anyone speak would spark my anxiety. its not like that now. so why am i still miserable? i dunno -_- .... there isnt really an answer. ugggghh its just so frustrating. i dont want to be depressed and hating every moment of my existence but i still do.
usually i'd distract myself with mind-numbing activities. say drawing, rhythm games, coding...but when i dont wanna do any of these things what am i supposed to do? i. dont. know.
maybe i'll keep making more fanpage-shrine things to distract myself? dunno. maybe ill just take a break from trying to actively add things and ill just chill out. i dont have a single concert coming up either...usually that would cheer me up lol. going to SO MANY concerts in one year was great but now my mind uses it as a dopamine boost so without concerts im extra sad. ah...next month im going to visit my friends. which im excited for but still in the back of my mind im like....not excited. idk. i am but im not. my brain is stupid. i still dont want to believe my friends like having me around even if they say they do. too many past experiences maybe.
my entries are usually rambling like this...just a place to spit out my current thoughts. i dont do it often cause im like "no one reads them anyway" but i guess thats ok too. ok im done talkin for now. bye bye